I have plenty of time in my hands but have nothing to blog about. I just waste every single day of my summer vacation rotting in front of the computer. Geez.

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Crossroads?

Hello. It’s been a while since my last post. I feel like I owe this blog so many stories about what’s happening in my life. Well, I do. There has been tons of blog-worthy events that have happened but to be honest, I have no idea why I was so lazy to write about them haha. Anyway, I’m writing now so, yeah.

I’m at a crossroads right now. Well, not really, because standing at a crossroads, I think, means that you have to choose between options that are already existing. In my case though, three of the options I should have been facing are pretty much not yet solid. The time I have been dreading for a year has come. The time when I would make the final decision as to what university should I really get into to pursue my studies. I already submitted my applications to UP Los Baños and UP Diliman, and I have yet to e-mail the ADMU dean for academic affairs regarding my intent for readmission.

If I were to very honestly answer the question “Where do you want to study?”, I would say “Of course, I still want to study and graduate from ADMU.” It was my dream school after all, and more than being my dream school, I saw how quality education is there. The type which when I graduate, I know I would really have a secure and promising future. The student life and culture there is also very interesting. It is unlike any school atmosphere I have ever encountered. So far from what it’s like in the provincial college where I am currently enrolled.

It has been over a year since I got dismissed, but up until now I still cannot forgive myself for throwing away whatever promising future I was supposed to have during my stay in the Ateneo. But also within that year, I proved to myself that I can do better. I focused all my attention to studying and indeed, I was able to show myself that if only I had the right attitude, I can perform to the standards of a university. I have realized the mistakes I have made in the past and I have learned so much from them. I am a better person and I just hope that I can convince the dean about this. I badly want to get readmitted.

But of course, nothing is ever certain. It is not sure whether I will pass the screening for UPLB and UPD, nor 100% positive that the dean from ADMU will give me another chance to prove that I am worthy to be studying there.

I stand at this road where at the end, is not really a crossroad, but a tangle of paths. I stand perplexed and afraid. Afraid that should the tangled paths blur more or worse, completely disappear, I would be trapped at this road which I don’t want to take. Scared that I would be stuck in a path where I know I wouldn’t grow to the fullest. Still, I have hope that the time when the tangled paths are smoothed will come. I have hope that I can travel the way in which I would be happiest and most contented.