I stumbled upon his blog, again. Okay, maybe stumbled is not really the right word. I visited his blog again. I have no idea why I keep on doing that. It has been months since he last updated. I am so hungry to know about what is going on with his life. We rarely talk now. We have not seen each other for like, almost a year. But is it not funny how I still care so much about him, how I am still longing to be with him even if it is very obvious that that is impossible? Sigh. I don’t understand love at all, if this is even love.
I like the new look of my blog. It’s very me~ It’s pink and it has flowers and it’s pink and it’s feminine and weee it’s pink! Lol pink’s my favorite color, that’s why. Although, I can’t really say that I am very feminine. I just love the color pink. It’s so relaxing and fun at the same time *o*.
Anyway, I was originally choosing between this and this and this and this but ended up using the bouquet theme instead. I almost ended up with spectrum because it’s colorful yet simple and I like rainbows but bouquet appealed to me the most.
Okay why am I even talking about this lol no one cares why I chose a certain theme.
Just a quicky, though. I am done with most of the requirements for school. It’s already week 10, just two more weeks before Christmas vacation/term break. There’s just a couple of long exams to mind and then it would be finals week, and then yay I can finally sit back and relax and have my marathon of Korean dramas. I hope I get through second term well. Hopefully, I don’t drop off the honors list. Hehe.
So hi this is how I make a draft of my research report lol. I reaaaaaally can’t think of anything to write yet. I mean, I have this like skeleton of my paper in my head but I can’t figure how to put flesh into it? I don’t know, my brain usually works at its best during 12AM onwards. I am basically just a walking amoeba during the day, my brain is empty and hollow haha. Argggh I am so frustrated right now I want to get this paper over so I can watch Heirs yet here I am procrastinating AGAIN and prioritizing blogging than finishing this damned research report.
I’ve got Ellie Goulding playing in the background, by the way. I have been singing ‘Burn’ nonstop for weeks and I figured why not listen to her album. ‘Halcyon Days’ is on loop for hours now. Guys Ellie Goulding’s music is dope! I don’t usually go for music of this genre but I don’t know there’s just something in her songs that kind of like sucks me in. Maybe this is why I can’t focus on writing my paper lol. I’m too engrossed in listening to her songs that my thoughts just kinda fly and dance away with the melodies. HAHAHA HA HA H A HA ………………. …… …………… . . . . ..
I chose to write this entry over my never-ending pile of homework. Oh, I have a great sense of priority over the things in my life. Let’s see, what do I have in line…
- cause-effect essay that is already three days late
- first draft for the persuasive essay
- twenty more note cards for my research report
- eng research report (which i haven’t written a single word on)
- polsci second long exam
- algebra homework
- lecture on waste management
- photo project for polsci
- interview for bill of rights for polsci
- fil research report on jargons
So, yeah. I made the right decision to prioritize blogging over my nile-river-list of school stuff to do. I deserve to be applauded and cheered for, yep, because I am such a good stud- oh wait, because I am such an expert when it comes to procrastinating. See, this post does not even make any sense yet I don’t want to leave this because I don’t want to face reality yet /procrastinating/.
TANGINA I know I have to abandon the internet for a while so I can focus on studying BUT WHY. CAN’T. I. DO. THAT. NOW. FOR FUCK’S SAKE!! !! !!!!!
Please, I beg you all. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE SLAP MY FACE HARD WITH A CHAIR AND A TABLE? That way maybe some sense may be knocked out of me.
It’s funny how I seem to be paralyzed by my passion for K-Pop. I don’t know if this “paralysation” of mine brings me good or bad but right now I’m not complaining. I’m saying that I’m “trapped” because most of the things I do has something to do with my interest in K-Pop or anything that has to do with Korea, to be honest. Even in my academics, K-Pop motivates me and inspires me to do well. I have done essays and research papers about Korea and its culture in the past. This term, I tried to deviate from this ‘pattern’ of mine and challenged myself to write a research paper about representations of homosexuals in contemporary media but I still ended up writing about K-Pop (I just couldn’t seem to muster up enough will to write about the former topic. As people say, it’s impossible to write about something that you are not passionate about ;)).
I have absolutely no idea when this obsession of mine will come to a halt, but I don’t think it will end soon. Right now, K-Pop is my one source of energy, it’s the one who fuels me to go on my daily life.
I made this blog because I badly needed to vent out this unpleasant feeling inside of me. Thank Shisus WordPress isn’t blocked on our web (my dad blocked A LOT of websites, which explains why I am here in this unfamiliar territory). It’s somehow a relief to still have a place where I can express myself.
I am feeling so frustrated right now. There are so many things that are getting into my nerves I feel like I am going to burst into a bajillion pieces very soon. There’s my pile of homework due tomorrow, the research paper which I haven’t even started writing, exams and quizzes, and the project for CWTS012 (which I don’t really give a fuck about but it’s a bitch because I couldn’t just run away from it lest I want to be blacklisted from the honor roll). And then there’s also my father and his narrow mind, who blocked every fucking site I visit on the internet, thinking I prioritize my hobbies than my studies. Well, fuck? I wouldn’t be an honor student if I did that, would I? I hate my daddy for not trusting me. I hate myself for not explaining to him that I’m old enough to think for myself and to know what would be good for me and what would not be.
I am upset.
I am stressed over school work and the internet is my only hope to relieve me from this hell, but it seems like I don’t deserve to be happy, what with all my father is doing. I don’t understand what is going on through his mind. Does he think that I am not studying well? Isn’t my being a straight A student not enough to satisfy him? I have made mistakes in the past but look at me now, I learned from those mistakes and I have already made up for them. If he is still worried about me committing the same mistakes, I wouldn’t. Ugh why couldn’t he trust me? This matter is making me so frustrated.
I understand my father’s intentions. I don’t think of him as the antagonist to the story of my life but really though, I just want to talk to him and make him realize that I’m a big girl now and that he needs to open his mind and that he can trust me and I won’t ever break his heart. But then that’s too tiring a job. My father wouldn’t just open his mind that easily. My mom couldn’t even make him do it. Everything is just too tiring and too frustrating right now. I just want to sleep all day and hope that I won’t have to face reality for a while.